For all the curious women out there who have never been pregnant (or for the men who could never be) have you ever wanted to ask a pregnant colleague a question you might think is a bit inappropriate? If the answer is yes, then take a moment and imagine you are having a bad day at work. You know that feeling when you have a headache and are overwhelmed by what’s on your computer screen so you sit there in your sorrow just waiting for 5pm? Now amplify it – you are heavily pregnant: drained of all your energy, feeling like you are going to throw up, smelling everything and everyone around you, and you are just completely out of the zone. You are already a hormonal mess on the verge of tears and then someone at work says something completely unnecessary to you. What do you do? You’re probably not going to take it very well, right? That’s why you should keep the question to yourself.

Below are 5 questions you should never ask a pregnant woman; which, I kid you not, were all questions a few of my coworkers asked me along my journey.

  1. Are your nipples leaking?

Um, no…not yet. But should I put you on my waiting list at $5 per cup of breast milk?

2. Did you let him cum in you or did the pull out method fail? 

Excuse me, what? Are you the sex police? Why would you even want a detailed account on how the sperm met the egg? Girl bye.

3. Is your baby going to be black?

First of all, does it matter? Are you going to see me differently if he was? Second of all, how am I supposed to know? I’m not inside my uterus picking and choosing all the little details of my son’s genetics (although that would be pretty cool!). My son’s background is a mix of white, Honduran, Cuban and black – so the reality was he could’ve came out any color of the rainbow. I’m sure all moms of mixed children would agree with me when I say I would’ve been happy with whatever color God made him.

4. Do you not know what condoms are? 

Yes sweetie, I do. Not that it is any of your business, but have you ever thought maybe I wanted to be a mom? Just because having a baby on my own doesn’t fit your picture, doesn’t mean my path is wrong. So please stop interrogating me in your derogatory tone. 

5. Are you super horny?

Let me just leave this right here.

This definitely does not cover all of it, but if you are curious about anything in this vicinity just keep it to yourself. K? 🙂